1. They will tell you how ugly they think other people are.
Someone who is insecure about their looks will often point to someone across the room, or across the gym, or on their phone screen, and point just out how ugly they think they are, or what all their faults are, or how awful their clothes are. Trust me. This is because they themselves are insecure. People who are okay with themselves never have a need to point out the physical faults or fashion transgressions of others. Ever.
2. They will call names when things get too intense.
If you ever get into a debate with them, or an argument with them, or sometimes even a seemingly pleasant discussion with them, they will eventually resort to calling names like “idiot,” “stupid,” and infinitely worse, “retarded,” usually when the discussion tips out of their favor. Trust me. This is because they are insecure and it’s the only way they can deal with it. People who are confident in themselves or in what they’re discussing or debating will never resort to name calling. Ever.
3. They will publicly denigrate those they were once close to.
Someone who is insecure about how they’ve acted or treated someone else will publicly defame or bad-mouth that other person (we’ve all seen it on Facebook), and even worse, they will offer only one side of the story. Theirs. But there are two sides to every pancake (no matter how thin) and I guarantee anyone who does this knows a doozy of another side that they really don’t want seen or heard. Trust me. People who didn’t have a major part in the demise of said friendship or relationship have no need to defame the person from their past. Ever.
4. They will brag. Often.
Someone who is insecure about how much they have accomplished in their lives, or in their careers, or in their relationships, or in their goals, will brag about everything they have done or accomplished. Constantly. This is not to be confused with confidence. Confidence is when you refuse to belittle your own accomplishments to make others feel better. Bragging is when you want others to feel worse about their own so you hype up yours. Trust me. People who are okay with where their life is at, where it’s going, and what they’ve accomplished so far, have no need to brag. Ever.
5. They will belittle another person’s success.
A person who views another person’s success as superior to their own, or who sees the public praise surrounding another person’s success and is intimidated by it, will belittle and diminish that success in any way that they can. They will try to prove why that person’s success was not actually earned, why it was a fluke, or why the pathway to that person’s success was achieved by breaking rules and trampling on others. Trust me. People who appreciate the success of others, and use it to inspire themselves and push themselves to greater things, have no need to ever belittle a successful person in their quest to feel better. Ever.
6. They will always make an excuse when they trample on other people.
Someone who knows that they are treating other people’s time and relationships as disposable will always have a “really good excuse” (and rarely an apology) as to why they always show up half an hour late, or why they don’t treat their friends and family better, or why they talk bad behind your back. Their excuses are always somehow noble and if you question them, it is you who becomes the jerk. Trust me. People who genuinely care about you, your relationship, your time, and your trust have no reason to treat you like that. Ever.
7. They will tell you things about people you love that is none of your business.
The most insecure people will always find a way to lay out awful and random details about other people’s lives at your feet when you least expect it. It is their attempt at deflecting any negative thought you could have about them before you have the chance to have it. Trust me. People who aren’t afraid that you are judging them and their lives have no need to gossip about other people and share hurtful information about them. Ever.
8. They will be a bad loser when they lose.
There is nothing this type of insecure person hates more than losing. At anything. And when they do lose, they will tell you all sorts of reasons why their loss isn’t really a loss, or why it wasn’t fair, or why the other person had an imbalanced advantage, or how they know that the other person was cheating. Trust me. People who don’t define themselves by the times that they lose at things, and people who understand that nobody can win at everything, have no need to do anything but put out their hand and say “good game” (or the equivalent of it) when they lose.
9. Even worse, they will be a bad winner when they win.
Someone who rubs in their win (outside of a playful smack-talk setting), or who tells you every way you went wrong to lose to them, or who goes around telling everyone else about your loss, is an insecure bad winner. They are either preemptively striking your next win, or they are covering up their past losses, or they are attempting to squelch any doubt others obviously might now have about their abilities. Trust me. Good winners have no need to do anything but put out their hand and say “good game”(or the equivalent of it) when they do win.
10. They will constantly compare everything negative they see in the world to their exes.
Someone who is insecure about their past romantic relationships, or how those relationships ended, will constantly point out negative things they spot in other people or other relationships and make sure you know that their ex used to do those things, or that their ex used to say those things, or that their ex is “just like that.” Trust me. People who are working on themselves and have chalked up their break-ups to learning experiences, have no need to constantly tie their exes to negative behavior they are currently seeing. Ever.
11. They will make fun of those in poverty.
Someone who is insecure about their own financial security will constantly and sincerely ridicule those living in poverty or in lesser circumstances. Think “People of Walmart” here, a website where insecure people can come and make fun of poor people or people who don’t fit their idea of what a financially sound person will act like or look like or dress like. Trust me. People who don’t define their worth by the dollar amount in their bank account have no need to make fun of those in lesser situations. Ever.
12. They will disparage those with money.
Someone who is insecure about their own financial security will also constantly and sincerely mock and ridicule those with money. They will point out how stuck up or douchey specific people with money are. They will constantly tell others why they themselves are better off without all that money because look at so and so and how their money is ruining their own life and their chance to actually be happy. They will point out how not having that kind of money makes they themselves a better person in the long run. Trust me. People who are okay with other people having more money than they do, have no need to constantly point out everything wrong with those who do have more money. Ever.
13. They will encourage you to quit.
Someone who encourages you to give up or quit at every speed bump and blockade that shows up on your path to achieving something great is only concerned with one thing: how your eventual success will make them look or feel when they eventually have to stand next to you without the same or better achievement or success. Trust me. People who are actively working toward their own goals and who aren’t struggling to keep going despite their own speed bumps have no reason to want you to quit. Ever.
14. They will refuse to see the positive in those that intimidate them most.
Both light and darkness exist in us all. Positive and negative. Strength and weakness. And even though sometimes it seems like it, there is no person on earth who is all one and none the other, I promise you. Someone who is intimidated by another’s greatness, light, or achievement, though, will work seemingly endlessly to bring that other person down. They will ceaselessly search for and point out to others the negatives and the weaknesses within those who make them feel most unconfident, and they will not, under any circumstances ever acknowledge the goodness that also exists. Trust me. People who know that they themselves are a beautiful balance of the good and the bad, and people who understand that others are a beautiful balance of the same, have no need to find only the negative in others. Ever.
15. They will make idle threats when they disagree with you.
Sometimes, people who fear that their insecurities have been discovered, or at least are under suspicion, will often make idle threats if you challenge their insecure ways of “acting out.” They will threaten your good name, your livelihood, and your relationships. They will threaten to do harm to your good reputation. Trust me. Someone who is not feeling insecure, will never have a reason to threaten you to protect their own insecurities. Ever.
16. They will make sure you know all the ways you will fail at whatever goal you have.
People who are insecure about their own abilities to complete a task or reach a goal will always be the first to tell you all the ways you will probably fail at what you are working toward. They will be the first to tell you every pitfall you will experience. They are the first to tell you that you won’t be able to do something great that you really want to do. Trust me. People who believe in their own abilities and believe that they can achieve their own greatness will never tell you that you will fail in your endeavors. Ever.
17. They will enjoy the struggles of others.
When a person has become obsessed with the success and accomplishments of someone else, and has acted out of insecurity toward that person, they will be greatly satisfied any time the other experiences disappointments. They will enjoy the other person’s struggles. They will secretly hope that each stumble and each slip-up along the road to greatness will be the stumble or slip-up that finally winds up sending the other person down the road of failure. Trust me. People who are actively striving to overcome their own stumbles and mistakes will never be obsessed with yours or anyone else’s. Ever.
18. They will eternally pin you into the mistakes of your past.
Some people feel so defined by their past mistakes and their past failures that they refuse to ever let you move past yours. They search for any moment in time where you were less than perfect or where you made a mistake, and they will attempt to make everyone label you by that mistake forever more. They will not see any of the great things you have been, done, or accomplished since. Trust me. People whose past mistakes don’t haunt them and define them have no reason to hold onto your past mistakes. Ever.
19. They will always have to have the last word.
Some insecure people love to engage others as a way of feeling validated, intelligent, and authoritative. They will not concede any point, no matter how silly their argument is, and they will not ever agree to disagree. They always have to have the last word, or else they feel inferior and insignificant. Trust me. People who believe in their own intellect and who value peace over some need to not appear wrong have no need to fight to the bloody end. Ever.
20. They think that everything is a hidden jab.
Yes, Will we constantly disparage ourselves and put ourselves down? I hope not. We do this only to put the negative thoughts into the minds of others before they can think the thoughts themselves. It’s a very weird way of dealing with our insecurities.
Will we constantly pretend we have no insecurities? I hope not. Pretending like our outlooks about ourselves are always positive and always confident and always healthy just sets us up for major letdowns and major discouragement that is hard to break free from, and I have learned that it doesn’t push us into happiness as much as we think it does.
Will we constantly make up stories, lies, and half-truths to make our lives less dull? Will we tell great fibs that will help us overcome our insecurities and that will dissuade others from thinking our lives are mundane and unaccomplished? I hope not. These people never have friends for long.
Will we “act out” against our insecurities by doing some of those twenty things I listed above? I hope not, though almost all of us have been guilty of many of them at one time or another. Acting out when we feel insecure is all smoke and mirrors no matter how we disguise it.
So, if by none of those methods, will we tackle our insecurities with humor and the ability to laugh and improve? I hope so. Humor really is the best way to approach our insecurities, so long as it’s always done from a place of self-acceptance or self-improvement and not from a place of internalized personal disparagement.
Humor is a beautiful way to deal with fear, and isn’t that what insecurity really is? Isn’t it just… fear?
Fear of the judgments of others? Fear of the arbitrary thoughts others might think and feel when they think or feel things about us?
Insecurity is simply our reaction to one of the only things we have absolutely no control over, and that is the way other people think about us and perceive us and judge us.
And as you ponder that, I promise you one more thing. Most of us have used several or all of the five methods listed at the top of this post for dealing with our insecurities. Most of us use a mix of them every single day. I know I have and sometimes still do.
The question is, will we each do what we need to do to be more healthy in how we deal with the things that make us feel insecure? Will we use our insecurities to better our lives and push us to eventually reach our goals? Or will we use our insecurities as crutches to blame everyone else for all the things we never achieve? It’s truly up to each of us.
I, for one, will from now on be excitedly flying on my lat wings and spreading them proudly for all the world to see. Also, I will be loaning out my Dan-hair sweater to anyone who is cold enough to be that desperate.
Edgar Chomba, Tatted and Employed
Someone who is insecure about their looks will often point to someone across the room, or across the gym, or on their phone screen, and point just out how ugly they think they are, or what all their faults are, or how awful their clothes are. Trust me. This is because they themselves are insecure. People who are okay with themselves never have a need to point out the physical faults or fashion transgressions of others. Ever.
2. They will call names when things get too intense.
If you ever get into a debate with them, or an argument with them, or sometimes even a seemingly pleasant discussion with them, they will eventually resort to calling names like “idiot,” “stupid,” and infinitely worse, “retarded,” usually when the discussion tips out of their favor. Trust me. This is because they are insecure and it’s the only way they can deal with it. People who are confident in themselves or in what they’re discussing or debating will never resort to name calling. Ever.
3. They will publicly denigrate those they were once close to.
Someone who is insecure about how they’ve acted or treated someone else will publicly defame or bad-mouth that other person (we’ve all seen it on Facebook), and even worse, they will offer only one side of the story. Theirs. But there are two sides to every pancake (no matter how thin) and I guarantee anyone who does this knows a doozy of another side that they really don’t want seen or heard. Trust me. People who didn’t have a major part in the demise of said friendship or relationship have no need to defame the person from their past. Ever.
4. They will brag. Often.
Someone who is insecure about how much they have accomplished in their lives, or in their careers, or in their relationships, or in their goals, will brag about everything they have done or accomplished. Constantly. This is not to be confused with confidence. Confidence is when you refuse to belittle your own accomplishments to make others feel better. Bragging is when you want others to feel worse about their own so you hype up yours. Trust me. People who are okay with where their life is at, where it’s going, and what they’ve accomplished so far, have no need to brag. Ever.
5. They will belittle another person’s success.
A person who views another person’s success as superior to their own, or who sees the public praise surrounding another person’s success and is intimidated by it, will belittle and diminish that success in any way that they can. They will try to prove why that person’s success was not actually earned, why it was a fluke, or why the pathway to that person’s success was achieved by breaking rules and trampling on others. Trust me. People who appreciate the success of others, and use it to inspire themselves and push themselves to greater things, have no need to ever belittle a successful person in their quest to feel better. Ever.
6. They will always make an excuse when they trample on other people.
Someone who knows that they are treating other people’s time and relationships as disposable will always have a “really good excuse” (and rarely an apology) as to why they always show up half an hour late, or why they don’t treat their friends and family better, or why they talk bad behind your back. Their excuses are always somehow noble and if you question them, it is you who becomes the jerk. Trust me. People who genuinely care about you, your relationship, your time, and your trust have no reason to treat you like that. Ever.
7. They will tell you things about people you love that is none of your business.
The most insecure people will always find a way to lay out awful and random details about other people’s lives at your feet when you least expect it. It is their attempt at deflecting any negative thought you could have about them before you have the chance to have it. Trust me. People who aren’t afraid that you are judging them and their lives have no need to gossip about other people and share hurtful information about them. Ever.
8. They will be a bad loser when they lose.
There is nothing this type of insecure person hates more than losing. At anything. And when they do lose, they will tell you all sorts of reasons why their loss isn’t really a loss, or why it wasn’t fair, or why the other person had an imbalanced advantage, or how they know that the other person was cheating. Trust me. People who don’t define themselves by the times that they lose at things, and people who understand that nobody can win at everything, have no need to do anything but put out their hand and say “good game” (or the equivalent of it) when they lose.
9. Even worse, they will be a bad winner when they win.
Someone who rubs in their win (outside of a playful smack-talk setting), or who tells you every way you went wrong to lose to them, or who goes around telling everyone else about your loss, is an insecure bad winner. They are either preemptively striking your next win, or they are covering up their past losses, or they are attempting to squelch any doubt others obviously might now have about their abilities. Trust me. Good winners have no need to do anything but put out their hand and say “good game”(or the equivalent of it) when they do win.
10. They will constantly compare everything negative they see in the world to their exes.
Someone who is insecure about their past romantic relationships, or how those relationships ended, will constantly point out negative things they spot in other people or other relationships and make sure you know that their ex used to do those things, or that their ex used to say those things, or that their ex is “just like that.” Trust me. People who are working on themselves and have chalked up their break-ups to learning experiences, have no need to constantly tie their exes to negative behavior they are currently seeing. Ever.
11. They will make fun of those in poverty.
Someone who is insecure about their own financial security will constantly and sincerely ridicule those living in poverty or in lesser circumstances. Think “People of Walmart” here, a website where insecure people can come and make fun of poor people or people who don’t fit their idea of what a financially sound person will act like or look like or dress like. Trust me. People who don’t define their worth by the dollar amount in their bank account have no need to make fun of those in lesser situations. Ever.
12. They will disparage those with money.
Someone who is insecure about their own financial security will also constantly and sincerely mock and ridicule those with money. They will point out how stuck up or douchey specific people with money are. They will constantly tell others why they themselves are better off without all that money because look at so and so and how their money is ruining their own life and their chance to actually be happy. They will point out how not having that kind of money makes they themselves a better person in the long run. Trust me. People who are okay with other people having more money than they do, have no need to constantly point out everything wrong with those who do have more money. Ever.
13. They will encourage you to quit.
Someone who encourages you to give up or quit at every speed bump and blockade that shows up on your path to achieving something great is only concerned with one thing: how your eventual success will make them look or feel when they eventually have to stand next to you without the same or better achievement or success. Trust me. People who are actively working toward their own goals and who aren’t struggling to keep going despite their own speed bumps have no reason to want you to quit. Ever.
14. They will refuse to see the positive in those that intimidate them most.
Both light and darkness exist in us all. Positive and negative. Strength and weakness. And even though sometimes it seems like it, there is no person on earth who is all one and none the other, I promise you. Someone who is intimidated by another’s greatness, light, or achievement, though, will work seemingly endlessly to bring that other person down. They will ceaselessly search for and point out to others the negatives and the weaknesses within those who make them feel most unconfident, and they will not, under any circumstances ever acknowledge the goodness that also exists. Trust me. People who know that they themselves are a beautiful balance of the good and the bad, and people who understand that others are a beautiful balance of the same, have no need to find only the negative in others. Ever.
15. They will make idle threats when they disagree with you.
Sometimes, people who fear that their insecurities have been discovered, or at least are under suspicion, will often make idle threats if you challenge their insecure ways of “acting out.” They will threaten your good name, your livelihood, and your relationships. They will threaten to do harm to your good reputation. Trust me. Someone who is not feeling insecure, will never have a reason to threaten you to protect their own insecurities. Ever.
16. They will make sure you know all the ways you will fail at whatever goal you have.
People who are insecure about their own abilities to complete a task or reach a goal will always be the first to tell you all the ways you will probably fail at what you are working toward. They will be the first to tell you every pitfall you will experience. They are the first to tell you that you won’t be able to do something great that you really want to do. Trust me. People who believe in their own abilities and believe that they can achieve their own greatness will never tell you that you will fail in your endeavors. Ever.
17. They will enjoy the struggles of others.
When a person has become obsessed with the success and accomplishments of someone else, and has acted out of insecurity toward that person, they will be greatly satisfied any time the other experiences disappointments. They will enjoy the other person’s struggles. They will secretly hope that each stumble and each slip-up along the road to greatness will be the stumble or slip-up that finally winds up sending the other person down the road of failure. Trust me. People who are actively striving to overcome their own stumbles and mistakes will never be obsessed with yours or anyone else’s. Ever.
18. They will eternally pin you into the mistakes of your past.
Some people feel so defined by their past mistakes and their past failures that they refuse to ever let you move past yours. They search for any moment in time where you were less than perfect or where you made a mistake, and they will attempt to make everyone label you by that mistake forever more. They will not see any of the great things you have been, done, or accomplished since. Trust me. People whose past mistakes don’t haunt them and define them have no reason to hold onto your past mistakes. Ever.
19. They will always have to have the last word.
Some insecure people love to engage others as a way of feeling validated, intelligent, and authoritative. They will not concede any point, no matter how silly their argument is, and they will not ever agree to disagree. They always have to have the last word, or else they feel inferior and insignificant. Trust me. People who believe in their own intellect and who value peace over some need to not appear wrong have no need to fight to the bloody end. Ever.
20. They think that everything is a hidden jab.
Yes, Will we constantly disparage ourselves and put ourselves down? I hope not. We do this only to put the negative thoughts into the minds of others before they can think the thoughts themselves. It’s a very weird way of dealing with our insecurities.
Will we constantly pretend we have no insecurities? I hope not. Pretending like our outlooks about ourselves are always positive and always confident and always healthy just sets us up for major letdowns and major discouragement that is hard to break free from, and I have learned that it doesn’t push us into happiness as much as we think it does.
Will we constantly make up stories, lies, and half-truths to make our lives less dull? Will we tell great fibs that will help us overcome our insecurities and that will dissuade others from thinking our lives are mundane and unaccomplished? I hope not. These people never have friends for long.
Will we “act out” against our insecurities by doing some of those twenty things I listed above? I hope not, though almost all of us have been guilty of many of them at one time or another. Acting out when we feel insecure is all smoke and mirrors no matter how we disguise it.
So, if by none of those methods, will we tackle our insecurities with humor and the ability to laugh and improve? I hope so. Humor really is the best way to approach our insecurities, so long as it’s always done from a place of self-acceptance or self-improvement and not from a place of internalized personal disparagement.
Humor is a beautiful way to deal with fear, and isn’t that what insecurity really is? Isn’t it just… fear?
Fear of the judgments of others? Fear of the arbitrary thoughts others might think and feel when they think or feel things about us?
Insecurity is simply our reaction to one of the only things we have absolutely no control over, and that is the way other people think about us and perceive us and judge us.
And as you ponder that, I promise you one more thing. Most of us have used several or all of the five methods listed at the top of this post for dealing with our insecurities. Most of us use a mix of them every single day. I know I have and sometimes still do.
The question is, will we each do what we need to do to be more healthy in how we deal with the things that make us feel insecure? Will we use our insecurities to better our lives and push us to eventually reach our goals? Or will we use our insecurities as crutches to blame everyone else for all the things we never achieve? It’s truly up to each of us.
I, for one, will from now on be excitedly flying on my lat wings and spreading them proudly for all the world to see. Also, I will be loaning out my Dan-hair sweater to anyone who is cold enough to be that desperate.
Edgar Chomba, Tatted and Employed
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