I’ve always thought that if I knew the truth about something, then I could learn any lesson necessary to either prevent the mistake from recurring, or move past the pain it caused with the knowledge I gained. Typically I’ve always used the time after a breakup to do soul searching and try to objectively look at all aspects of why the relationship failed. This usually is enough of an out briefing to gain any necessary closure and put the relationship in the rear view.
For reasons that I don’t understand, following this process has been something I’ve not been able to do, and the results have been emotionally devastating. For me personally, gaining closure is not only very important to be able to grieve, but also to be able to accept and move on from the painful memories of the failures. At first, I was accepting of the belief that I had enough information to be able to analyze and evaluate the factors that affected the outcome, but the more thought I seemed to put in, the more confused and conflicted I became.
The only real progress I had made was letting go of the anger related to the way I handled the initial realization that the relationship was over/ending/broken. This took many months of self persecution and feelings of severe depression, to be able to overcome the way I allowed myself to feel about my actions, but brought me no closer to gaining closure because I don’t believe I ever truly had a clear understanding of just how you saw me and our relationship. In light of the information that I discovered when searching for what I thought would be the truth, it became very clear that how I perceived the relationship and how I felt about you, were not only remarkably different from your unexpressed feelings, but also fundamentally flawed in that I was not being made aware of your honest feelings, not only about me as a partner, but what the true intentions you may or may not have had for the future of “us” after you started your new job abroad.
To a degree, I now understand better why what happened NYE happened, and why my emotions exploded the way they did. There still are no excuses for the choices I made that night, and I will need to continue to work towards recognizing the triggers that were exposed, and to take steps to avoid it from ever happening again. My apology today for my actions, is every bit as heartfelt as it was all the other times I apologized, and will continue to be.
I continue to be very angry at you for a number of things, a lot of which I had no clue even existed prior to that night, or prior to my research into your accounts. That research exposed many things that are critical to being able to properly understand your honest intentions and feelings for me and for the relationship.
I am very angry at you for not being honest with me about your interactions with ex romantic interests. I do not understand why you chose to lie and deliberately deceive me over something that otherwise would have been absolutely no problem after we had discussed and were on the same page about.
I am very angry at you for withholding your feelings about me that you were sharing with your other friends. I was supposed to be your “best” friend, the one you loved and trusted in to be your friend, lover and partner, or so I thought. The one you were supposed to have believed you could talk to about anything, so we could tackle problems as a team sharing our lives with each other. I do not believe that I EVER gave you any reason to think that I could not handle your feelings about anything, and they should have been shared with me completely and honestly at all times.
I am especially angry at you for taking any possibility I will ever have to try and successfully resolve my feelings about what happened away from me. Not only have you taken away my access to your feelings and actions and the actual truth behind them, you’ve taken away the only true path that ever existed for a honest chance to gain closure. The way you have handled everything with respect to stopping communication with me is the most unfair and cruel thing that you could possibly have done. Two days before you sent the last email to me, 3 and a half months after the events that occurred NYE, you were telling me that you loved me and were trying to work together with me to put it behind us and not let it interfere in our future. Instead of allowing me the opportunity to discuss your decision about ending the relationship with you, you send me the most impersonal and vague email I’ve ever received to end the relationship in the most cowardly fashion I can imagine, as one last “fuck you” I don’t care how you are feeling gesture. You repeatedly had reaffirmed to me the love you claimed to have for me. That alone should have been enough for you to have been able to communicate your intentions to me on the phone given our geographic separation. Three separate times I then tried to open up a dialogue with you, asking, in fact begging for you to give me the answers to the questions I had/have. I believe that alone makes you the most un-compassionate person I’ve ever encountered as well as completely and totally selfish on a level incomprehensible to me or any others that I have sought counsel/guidance from. You have repeatedly defended your actions as choices made as a “healthy” way in which to handle the mistreatment you suffered by me. Yet, as true to the definition of the word selfish is, you completely disregard how your choices and actions are affecting someone else. Even the initial hostility of my response on Jan 1, didn’t deserve the way in which you handled ending the relationship. Your personal health is hardly a good enough reason to inflict so much pain and confusion on someone else, especially someone you once claimed to love. Relationships are always between you and someone else, if you decide to end your participation in it that’s fine, but at the very least, you should have enough consideration and respect for the other person’s feelings to provide them a reasonable and honest basis for your decision. What you chose to do was mean and cruel, not healthy. But per the pattern uncovered when I found out the truth, that’s just the way you seem to handle many things, your feelings are taken care of and to hell with anyone else’s.
You even lied to me about your birthday, do you even realize that? You told me it was July 2, not June 23rd. What in the hell is that all about? Do you think that you are some secret government agent that forces you to conceal the true details about your life? Things that are already a matter of public record anyway?!?!? Honestly, at this point im not sure what to believe about who you are, but have been through enough at this point to no longer care either. You, through your actions, have now given me enough to be able to at least stop believing in what I thought we had, and start realizing that not much that occurred between us was evidently true or real, for how I had believed it to be anyway.
And lastly, I am extremely angry at you for manipulating me into believing that you loved me. I don’t know why you chose to do it, nor does it matter. Playing with someone’s feelings and emotions is one of the lowest things you could ever do to another Human being. It far surpasses any physical/emotional trauma you may have suffered that day due to my emotional outbreak. If I wasn’t genuinely sorry for my behavior that day, I’d probably have a very different opinion about how it affected you, or what amount of concern for you I would have even given it.
You have treated me extremely unfairly throughout this relationship, even more so than I was even aware of until I uncovered some of the truth in your email and FB accounts. I did absolutely nothing to deserve any of the things you have done to me at this point. You have proven to be an emotional terrorist, and frankly I hope it comes back on you 10 fold, and that I get a chance to witness or hear about it. That however, I is the most I care to contribute to the effort to make karma find you. I’m sure you believe that you are somehow in grave danger from me, but you wouldn’t deserve the emotional response necessary for me to do so. You have a lot of people convinced that you are a nice, warm, caring and thoughtful person, however the evidence I’ve come across shows a very different picture of who you truly are, and is very doubtful you’ve even been honest with anyone about it anyway.
I’ve realized recently that I should be grateful that it ended, and even maybe thankful for how. It exposed some weaknesses in the control of my emotions that I need to address, and also pointed out that maybe I should be a little more diligent before I allow myself to fall in love. You have not broken me, and this will ultimately make me a better person moving forward.
You have issues if you believe you are a victim in this, everything could have and would have been avoided if you would have just been honest about almost everything!!!! Avoiding something because it may be unpleasant to deal with, doesn’t miraculously make every thing ok, it’s just a cowardly way of handling everyday issues that any adult should be equipped to handle. I’m sorry I met you at this point, but I’m even more sorry that someone like you can even exist in a civilized world, for your actions were nothing short of cruel and dishonest and wrong and for that I get to say what I have said in this letter. If I had a good way to publish this somewhere where everyone could see and you couldn’t remove or delete I would. I have a feeling that you were advised by either your therapist(if you even ever went to one as you claimed)or a friend to cutoff communication with me because it gave me the ability to “gaslight” the situation and manipulate your emotions, but go back and read again. Everything I stated above is true and factual based off what I uncovered, and even if it is somehow misinterpreted or misconstrued, then it just simply becomes yet another faucet of how disconnected the truth was from reality, but again you are the only one who knows the truth, and are perfectly content with that. Again, bravo on winning a fixed game.
I hope you are very proud of your contributions here. You successfully destroyed a relationship that ,only you, knew wasn’t real anyway, all while successfully managing to shift the blame for its sudden collapse completely off of yourself and onto the other person involved, mostly because of an emotional outbreak that led to an inappropriate display of anger which as it turns out was not even based on all the things that he had every right to be angry and hurt by, while at the same time concealing your honest feelings from him so effectively that he had no clue that your heart wasn’t really into it anyway because long distance relationships “are very hard”. You hurt someone very badly who only ever gave you the best he knew how to give, and loved you stronger and deeper than he had ever experienced before.
The good thing for you though, is none of that matters because it wasn’t your feelings that were being trampled on, and you can simply change the channel, or block/change emails, or block/change your phone number if you don’t want to deal with the inconvenient things, such as other people’s feelings, or even just having to be honest, which would level the playing field and make it a fair game. You get to turn your back and walk away as if nothing ever happened.
That is just outstanding effort, and congratulations on having such incredible gamesmanship and integrity.
Comments
Post a Comment