Mecvisuals

HOW TO KEEP LOVING FROM THE HEART, NOT THE HEAD Love: It’s one of the few things in life that can create  intense pleasure  — or intense pain. It has the power to put you on top of the clouds or in a deep, dark hole. (And no matter how much experience we gain, it seems like we’re all still trying to figure it out.) When you are in the midst of deep love, when the world is filled with rainbows and butterflies, everything your partner does is right. This is where the term “Love is blind” comes from — you are “blinded” by love and cannot see any of your lover’s flaws.  Image credit © Guas /shutterstock In this heightened state of attraction, we tend to give our partners more leeway. There’s more space for them to make mistakes because the rules we have created within the relationships are different, and we have fewer of them. And in many cases, you don’t have any rules — you’re just thrilled to be in the same room with them, to have the opportunity to make them happy. Here’s a t...

HOW TO KEEP LOVING FROM THE HEART, NOT THE HEAD Love: It’s one of the few things in life that can create  intense pleasure  — or intense pain. It has the power to put you on top of the clouds or in a deep, dark hole. (And no matter how much experience we gain, it seems like we’re all still trying to figure it out.) When you are in the midst of deep love, when the world is filled with rainbows and butterflies, everything your partner does is right. This is where the term “Love is blind” comes from — you are “blinded” by love and cannot see any of your lover’s flaws.  Image credit © Guas /shutterstock In this heightened state of attraction, we tend to give our partners more leeway. There’s more space for them to make mistakes because the rules we have created within the relationships are different, and we have fewer of them. And in many cases, you don’t have any rules — you’re just thrilled to be in the same room with them, to have the opportunity to make them happy. ...

One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend. But people should also look at it in the negative:  Would you tolerate your partner’s negative behaviors in your best friend? Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is “no.” I know a young woman who just got married. She was madly in love with her husband. And despite the fact that he had been “between jobs” for more than a year, showed no interest in planning the wedding, often ditched her to take surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family raised not-so-subtle concerns about him, she happily married him anyway. But...

One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend. But people should also look at it in the negative:  Would you tolerate your partner’s negative behaviors in your best friend? Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is “no.” I know a young woman who just got married. She was madly in love with her husband. And despite the fact that he had been “between jobs” for more than a year, showed no interest in planning the wedding, often ditched her to take surfing trips with his friends, and her friends and family raised not-so-subtle concerns about him, she happily married him anyw...

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place. Allow me to illustrate: 1. Love does not equal compatibility.   Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well. It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them.  It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical ...

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is and what it can do for us. These unrealistic expectations then sabotage the very relationships we hold dear in the first place. Allow me to illustrate: 1. Love does not equal compatibility.   Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well. It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them.  It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philo...

I n 1967, John Lennon wrote a  song  called, “All You Need is Love.” He also beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day. Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a  song  called “Love is Not Enough.” Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had two children with her, and then cancelled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father. One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. One of them did not. One of these men idealized love as the solution to all of his problems. One of them did not. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not. In our culture, many of us idealize ...

I n 1967, John Lennon wrote a  song  called, “All You Need is Love.” He also beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day. Thirty-five years later, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a  song  called “Love is Not Enough.” Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had two children with her, and then cancelled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father. One of these two men had a clear and realistic understanding of love. One of them did not. One of these men idealized love as the solution to all of his problems. One of them did not. One of these men was probably a narcissistic asshole. One of them was not. In our culture, many of us id...

Losing a significant relationship in life is never easy, especially after you and your former partner walked a journey together. The loss of a close relationship can feel like emotional amputation. You may feel sad and alone, as if you’re missing an important part of yourself. If you were on the receiving end of a break up, you may feel angry, rejected or betrayed. The good news is that the sadness doesn’t last forever, and brighter days lay ahead. Below are seven tips to healing and finding happiness again. 1.    Let Yourself Grieve When we feel pain from a loss, allowing ourselves time to grieve is one of the most important steps in the healing process. Find healthy outlets where you can safely express your emotions. Have a good cry (or a few), talk with supportive friends, write in a journal, see a counselor, or pray to your maker. Acknowledge the pain and hurt. Those who don’t allow themselves to grieve carry repressed pain which will inevitably affect fu...

Losing a significant relationship in life is never easy, especially after you and your former partner walked a journey together. The loss of a close relationship can feel like emotional amputation. You may feel sad and alone, as if you’re missing an important part of yourself. If you were on the receiving end of a break up, you may feel angry, rejected or betrayed. The good news is that the sadness doesn’t last forever, and brighter days lay ahead. Below are seven tips to healing and finding happiness again. 1.    Let Yourself Grieve When we feel pain from a loss, allowing ourselves time to grieve is one of the most important steps in the healing process. Find healthy outlets where you can safely express your emotions. Have a good cry (or a few), talk with supportive friends, write in a journal, see a counselor, or pray to your maker. Acknowledge the pain and hurt. Those who don’t allow themselves to grieve carry repressed pain which will inevitably affect...

A 2012 study published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science found physical and social pain have a lot in common. Researchers compared the brain activity of those who experienced social rejection to those who experienced physical pain and found similarities between the two images. This suggested something like a broken heart is processed in the same part of your brain that handles the sensory component of pain. What’s more is a study published in Molecular Psychiatry found the brain’s natural painkiller system responds to social rejection in the same way it does to physical injury. Researchers also found people who scored higher on a personality test for resilience received the highest amount of natural painkiller activation. “I have seen that people who are higher in resilience tend to naturally make more adaptive interpretations to rejection,” Dr. Ben Michaelis , a clinical psychologist and speaker based in New York City, told Medical Daily in an e-ma...

A 2012 study published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science found physical and social pain have a lot in common. Researchers compared the brain activity of those who experienced social rejection to those who experienced physical pain and found similarities between the two images. This suggested something like a broken heart is processed in the same part of your brain that handles the sensory component of pain. What’s more is a study published in Molecular Psychiatry found the brain’s natural painkiller system responds to social rejection in the same way it does to physical injury. Researchers also found people who scored higher on a personality test for resilience received the highest amount of natural painkiller activation. “I have seen that people who are higher in resilience tend to naturally make more adaptive interpretations to rejection,” Dr. Ben Michaelis , a clinical psychologist and speaker based in New York City, told Medical Daily in ...