T,
I’m not much of a talker. Not when it counts, anyway. But since there’s still life in me, I can’t let myself believe it’s too late for anything. So, I want to finally tell you what I’m really thinking, and say that you were right. About everything.
I’ve never felt this way about anyone or anything in my entire life. It just never happened, and I didn’t imagine it would after such a short time. I think the reason for my feelings is that the way you look at life and live it, is the way I’ve always wanted to look at it and live it myself. I was just too afraid. But I get it now.
You said, your life could be defined by two periods: the first, before you experienced your trip, and the second, after. My own turning point, was losing you. I didn’t see it before all this, but the Universe is obviously working towards some good end, and I’m truly thankful that you jogged me into understanding the beauty in that and everything else. I no longer feel regret of anything, because it led me to meeting you. And I don’t regret losing you, because it led me to understand that.
You were right to try to point me away from that blindness – a person who doesn’t love himself can’t be loved by others, and can’t return that love as well. When we met, I wasn’t ready for that – I was too afraid of it. But now I’m ready, and I’m excited about it – my answer to your question is the same as yours, I want love. More than anything. I know that it’s only been a week or so since we last spoke, but aren’t these things supposed to hit hard and fast? Isn’t that the whole point?
The past is gone, and the future will never be ours. All we have is now. And all I really want, is to spend these fleeting moments with you.
- CM
Y ou can’t change yourself, so don’t even try. I know that’s not what the infomercials and self-help seminars tell you. But fuck it. They’re wrong. You can’t change. Like a thirsty man in a desert chasing a mirage, or a fat man peering into an empty fridge—there’s nothing there. So stop chasing it. Go do something else instead. Why can’t you change yourself? Because the whole idea of change is an arbitrary construct. It’s something you just made up to make yourself feel good (or bad). Yesterday, I hadn’t written this article. Today, I have. Did I change? Both yes and no are correct answers, depending on how I define change. Technically, you are both always changing and never changing. It just depends on how you look at it. What you decide is change or not is an imaginary line drawn in your head. I could decide that “changing myself” means having a billion dollars. I’ll then sit around beating myself up for not being able to “change” for the rest of my life. Therefore, that’s ...
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